Your Yard Blows 09/27/08

Don’t Fence Me In. A lot of fencing for this yard. It’s low and really, is to keep dogs out, or just to keep their yard, their own. It looks pleasant in a way, right? Like in a retro 50s style. Back to the Future? The cross cross looks louder than a white picket fence which would have been classic. It’s still a lot of fencing, and I’m not sure if this is the way to go. You can hurdle the fence if you have hops. Grade: B-

This part bothers me. It’s a long tunnel of fencing that actually makes your walk up filled with bugs, spider webs, and nice shade. It doesn’t quite look right. Does it? Grade: D

The Champion of the block. This yard, is from the most expensive house in the area. There’s those drought resistant plants again. I just saw them at Home Depot, and they’re not expensive and look like they’ll grow quick. I forgot what they’re called, but they look like something you can dig up along the freeway. The little bushes around it on the right side look like tiny muffs. The trees sculpted…

This yard is a champion yard, and they spent arms and legs to make it that way, it’s so good, I won’t even show it to you, but the tree thing is interesting. It’s coming out of plant that looks like a succulent. It’s way taller than the house. Do you think this was supposed to happen? Think it was planned? How tall is this thing going to get? It’s really tall and really not too thick. Some ass can run up to this and break it, that would be sad. Grade: A-

My Belly! This yard reminds me that people are people. We’re just regular being and this one is just that. It’s plants haphazardly set up. What tree is that on the right side? It’s half dying and really look like crap. I can live with the bushes that are laying down on the sidewalk looking like a belly fat hanging over the belt. The other trees don’t do much. Something about this little yard is confusing. It’s sort of this, and that, in a tiny space. Grade: C-

Hacked! This tree behind the fence in the middle. It had the hopes of being a great one. A contender. A champ. Dirk Diggler from Boogie Nights! Maybe the tallest tree on the block! But no, it’s chopped off. Totally castrated. That tree might think about those Viagra and Cialis commercials. Maybe it’ll get it’s groove back and one day… rise again. But for now, grade: D for the hacked tree. At least give it stump status.

Every Rose has a thorn, even it’s among trash cans. This isn’t really a yard, it’s a side of a yard. Between the trash cans is a rose bush. I’m not a big fan of rose bushes or plants, but this one is odd. It’s planted in the ground in a spot that looks like it’s 1 foot x 1 foot. Talk about foot binding, this is an odd place for a plant that so many people love. Yes, it does give it the college try to be something, but it just can’t. Grade: C- for trying.

Pygmy time. Imagine, every plant is only 3 feet tall. It doesn’t matter what kind, as long as it’s three feet tall. So the good thing is that they can see out their window, they can see from their porch, nothing is obscured by plants. They even rock the plant on the right into a ball on a stick! The tree to the left of that looks stunted and old. What’s going on there, buddy? The rest looks alive, but this yard is in need of some love, something look all wrong here. Grade: C

Don King. He’s the boxing promoter with the crazy hair. Know who I’m talking about? Look at the plants that divide the two yards! They must hate each other. I’m digging the harsh division of the homes, I want privacy too. If they were orange, I’d think it’s a flame. Grade: B. This grade has nothing to do with their front yards. It’s just about the division of property and how much of a story it tells.

Siamese twins. This is odd. Two houses next to each other with one type of bush and so flat too! The houses are totally different, but the bushes are the same. Why? There must be some kind of unity that these neighbors want to achieve. They even circle the fronts together as if they were a mirror. I remember this type of bush, it’s typical and can be shaped well creating a powerful barrier. But is this what you’d want? Unity? You better be related to that neighbor since this is a conversation topic for anyone who comes over. Grade: B-

No Commitment. I wonder if this is planning. The plants and flowers are in planters. There’s one that’s stuck in the middle of the driveway. What purpose is this really serving? It makes it just that much harder to park your car in the drive way, but at the same time, it does say, “hey I got two garages, you only got one”. Maybe it’s just a little extra somethin’ somethin’ for the driveway. I’m not sure. Grade: B-

Jessie. I don’t know how to spell her name exactly, but she’s the girl from Jabberjaw, the punk rock club I frequented in the 90s. I see her walking around and she busted me taking pics of people’s yards.

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