Most "modern primitives" piss me off, too. Piercing their faces and genitalia, they think they're so cool, so "in control" of their bodies. Then they tattoo their arms, legs, and butts, and brand themselves as hipsters. It's funny how some people think they can get in touch with themselves by ripping off Asian, African, and Native American cultures.

I'll show them what it really means to be Asian and how to sacrifice one's body for a cause: I'm binding my feet. I don't know why no one else is doing it, yet. With all the trendies watching Hong Kong movies, wearing cheongsams, getting tattooed with Pacific Islander-style designs, and shooting heroin, footbinding is sure to be the next big thing.

Actually, there are many pragmatic benefits to having bound feet. Kids shoes are cheaper than adult sizes. It's easier to put on (and take off) pegged pants. Heels and toes don't drag when snowboarding. Even so, the real reason is aesthetic; it's that willowy, sexy saunter that only people with 3-inch lotus blossom feet can pull off.

According to some Sinologists, the last empress of the Shang dynasty established the prurient practice in the twelfth century, B.C., because she had very small feet, and wanted others to follow suit. Legend embellishes this notion, suggesting that she was actually a fox masquerading as a human. Hence, the tiny wrapped feet. Either version suggests that it was not a man who took the first agonizing step.

That a woman would seal the fate (and feet) of other women seems unlikely, though. As one poet wrote, "I don't know when this custom began; It must have been started by a despicable man."2

Many historians point the finger at Li Yu, who ruled South China during the T'ang Dynasty from 961-975. According to legend, he ordered his favorite concubine to bind her feet and dance in the middle of a giant lotus fashioned from gold.

For most women, the binding of their feet wasn't so whimsical. Generally, it entailed the following steps:

1. Crush the foot bones with a hammer or other such heavy object if the foot has already grown too big.
2. Using a 10-foot strip of fabric, first wrap the four outer toes downward so that they curl underneath the foot.
3. Then scrunch the entire foot from the big toe to the heel, making it arch upward.
4. Finally, cinch the foot as tightly as possible, so that the toes and heels come as close as possible.

When girls complained about the pain, they would be called ungrateful and unladylike. The parents were, after all, doing it to their daughters for their own good. It was commonly said that, "If you care for a son, you don't go easy on his studies; if you care for a daughter, you don't go easy on her footbinding."4

This process was repeated every three or four days, when the feet would be released, cleansed, and rebound more tightly. In time, the smaller toes would curl up into husks, while the large toe would be shaped upward, like a ski tip. After about two years, the ideal foot would be about three-inches long, the perfect size to fit in a man's palm.

But hand-holding was only the beginning of what Chinese men had in mind when they glimpsed a tiny foot. Massaging, sucking, and placing the entire foot in the mouth were second base, third base, and home plate. Give a lotus-lover a foot, and he'd take every inch of it.5

Even so, bound feet were not kinky. They were mainstream to the point where small feet contests were held at Buddhist temples. When Shansi residents sunned their feet during the sixth lunar month, foot enthusiasts of all ages travelled from outside the province to admire the tiniest of feet, some of which were dyed red especially for the event.

Little shoes were a big deal, too. Crafted from red or green silk, they were prized by their wearers. Suitors placed cups in the shoes and drank from them. Sometimes little butterflies were suspended on wires on the shoe tops which would quiver as if they were flying when the foot moved. Wearers were reported to have thrown fits if their shoes got dirty, and rivals would sometimes cut each other's shoes! 6

And then there was the smell. Bound for days and sometimes weeks, perspiration mixed with blood and puss created an odiferous brew. To the bound foot enthusiast, the aroma was an aphrodisiac. Anyone less than fanatical would go limp. Even washing feet in the most fragrant flower petals provided only temporary relief from the reek that collected under the wrapping.7

The natural foot movement finally dug in its heels at the outset of the twentieth century, when Western imperialists and Christian missionaries were working in China. Only then, when the Chinese rulers were more interested in making a good impression on Western traders than maintining the status quo, were bound feet seen to be a real liability.

In 1902, the Empress Dowager issued the Anti-footbinding Edict. Most of the lower classes and many of the affluent stopped binding their daughters' feet and let out their own feet. By the 1920s, footbinding had ceased altogether.8

Is it just a coincidence that the end of footbinding coincided with the fall of the final Chinese dynasty? I think not. Its demise went hand-in-hand with the cutting of queues, conversion to Christianity, advent of eye-jobs, and all other subsequent concessions to the West.

As the East rises to political and economic prominence in the next millennium, it's up to Asians to show that we're going to do it on our own terms. That means being proud of who you are, and not selling out to Western ideals and aesthetics.

So I'm binding my feet. Follow my bloody footsteps and mutilate yourself now for the right reasonsÑbefore the trendies get in on it and ruin everything.