asians are usually lactose intolerant Coming off the San Francisco Bay Bridge a few months ago, my friend Adrien and I caught sight of one of those Real California Cheese billboards. In stark yellow and black, the giant ad loomed just over the end of the I-80 West. It read: "1,276,977 Californians will eat pizza today." Without missing a beat, Adrien dead-panned, "Yeah, and half a million of them will piss it out their assholes."

Adrien doesn't eat pizza. He's one of the roughly 90 percent of Asian Americans who are lactose intolerant and, therefore, cannot properly digest dairy. If he were black or Native American, that percentage would drop to 75 percent, 50 percent if he were Mexican, and 25 percent if he were white. But while the majority of non-white folks in this country are lactose intolerant, the U.S. Department of Agriculture's food pyramid still recommends two to three dairy servings every day to help maintain a balanced diet. Is this just another capitalist-spurred conspiracy sponsored by the California Dairy Council (a.k.a. top producer of dairy products in the U.S.), France, and the state of Wisconsin? Or is it just another misguided, racist notion that is in severe need of re-examination?

Being lactose intolerant, or L.I., means that your body doesn't have enough of the enzyme, lactase, to digest lactose, a disaccharide found in milk and other dairy products. Lactase breaks down lactose into glucose and galactose (monosaccharides), which can then be absorbed into the cheese-eater's bloodstream. When someone's missing the right "bacterial fauna," you can get what is called "osmotic activity"-water pulled into your intestines, thus causing loose stools. Runny poo isn't the only result. It can also include one, a few, or all of the following experiences: stomach cramps, bloating, farting, weight loss, stinky stool, floating stool, abdominal swelling, and malnutrition. There are still no scientific discoveries that can prevent the development of L.I.; only changes to your diet can help remedy or reduce the symptoms. Taking over-the-counter Lactaid pills, which replace the enzymes for you, or drinking Lactaid milk are just a couple of solutions.

IT'S THE PIZZA "I still drink milk a little," Adrien tells me. Like many L.I. people, he discovered his condition as an adult, shortly after graduating from college. "Pizza's the main culprit-or the main poop-etrator," he says. "I can eat ice cream. I also take Lactaid pills, but it doesn't matter with pizza. Within minutes of eating, I'll start to feel rumbling down below, like something bubbling around my stomach. Within a half-hour, I'll have to make a quick break to the bathroom. There will usually be explosive sounds and projectiles. You'll think you feel a big build-up. Instead it'll spray. Sometimes it lasts a while. Within a few hours, it gets resolved. Now I feel like avoiding pizza altogether."

Most people can digest lactose until the ages of around five to seven; that's when the lactase naturally starts to go. But the chances of a person experiencing L.I. can vary. For example, a stomach flu can induce a case of L.I. in a normally healthy milk drinker since intestinal trauma reduces the amount of enzymes made. Some people can misdiagnose themselves as L.I., when it could be Irritable Bowel Syndrome, or even an intolerance to fructose or sucrose (fructose intolerance occurs in about 70 percent of healthy people when they eat too much of certain kinds of fresh fruit). There are tests you can take to make sure. Ask your doctor. Many physicians say that most people diagnosed with L.I. can drink at least two glasses of milk a day, though some L.I. people contend that even a few drops of milk in their coffee will get the shit going. "I thought it was the beer, but it really was the fuckin' milk," my friend Kurt tells me one night as he, appropriately enough, drinks himself into a Bass Ale stupor. As far as I know, Kurt is straight-up, stock 25-year-old white male. Even so, a drop of dairy means diarrhea for him, sometimes for two days straight. "It took me months to realize it was the milk," he continues. "Lactose intolerance sucks-you can't eat cereal anymore. Now I have to eat oatmeal."

IT'S THE MILK Switching to Quaker Oats even if you're not L.I. doesn't seem like such a bad idea when you learn the facts behind dairy drinks and products. As I do more research, I begin to feel uneasy about my own dairy-product infatuation. Allow me to elaborate on the possible non-L.I.-related dangers of milk consumption: 1. There are more than 25 proteins in milk that can cause allergic reactions ranging from ear infections, eczema, and asthma to fatigue, colds, and runny noses. Aside from these proteins, there is, of course, all that heart disease-inducing saturated fat which coincidentally strokes our cravings for the stuff. 2. And then there's the casein, a primary protein and carcinogen found in all dairy products. They did tests on mice which were fed casein-infused food. Yep-liver tumors. It gets better. 3. Recombinant bovine growth hormone, otherwise known as RBGH, and antibiotics are consistently shot into farm animals to increase milk production and fight infections they are prone to from living in filthy living conditions. The RBGH and antibiotics may make for efficient production, but that crap gets passed on to us when we partake of by-products sold in the supermarket. According to a study by the Committee on Drug Use in Food Animals, not only do the drugs get passed on, but we also get a hormone called Insulin Growth Factor-1 which has been linked to breast cancer. Ever heard of bacterial super-strains? Hospitals have already cited new strains of bacteria that result from repeated antibiotic exposure. These strains are so strong, doctors don't have anything to stop them yet. Going cold turkey on the milk is natural for most mammals. Humans are the only mammals in which the lactase enzymes persist after the age of infancy-and the only ones who not only continue to drink milk, but switch to milk from other animals, such as cows or goats.

I suddenly have an acute understanding for why, aside from the bovine shortage, there's no real word for "cheese" in China or Japan. They don't eat it. It's all about leafy greens, tofu, and fish-all great non-dairy sources of calcium, our bodies' most abundant mineral and an essential dietary need. My Asian-born, California-bred friend David unwittingly boils down the negative dietary influence of western civilization on traditional cultures which has lent itself to the overall rise of worldwide obesity, heart disease, and diabetes. "My dad's farts are usually totally clean," he says. "But the second he drinks milk, it's like he shit in his pants."